Let me get one thing straight: I love Thanksgiving, but I also hate the ever-loving shit out of it. Not only does tryptophan take me out like a low-grade-beaver-tranquilizer, but I also have to eat it for the next few days in leftover-sandwich form. I’m still groggy, and I may even fall asleep while writing thi;okeanefgakl;sdnfslsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss... oh dear me! I must have fallen asleep mid-sentence. Good thing my dog woke me up in his helpful/humping fashion, otherwise there would have been even MORE S’s! Well, anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yes: the day in which we pretend we were ever nice to the Native Americans. Well... I shouldn’t say WE, I suppose. I’M Irish and Polish (the drunk/dumb one-two punch of genetics.) The people who fucked over the Native Americans left and right were predominantly British, and not really Americans at all... so I suppose we can blame this one on the British too (it’s added to the long list which includes vinegar as a condiment, teeth as disposable items and Queen Elizabeth as a man.) Well, I guess I should focus the rest of this blog post a little more, considering that I went from genetics to transvestites in just two sentences. So, here are three things I hate about Thanksgiving: Family, Native Americans and the impending doom that is Black Friday.
I love my family. I really do. I just don’t really like talking about religion in front of my mom or grandma (it’s like talking about Pokemon at a Yu-Gi-Oh convention: you can make many valid points, but they’ll still be retarded.) I also don’t like talking about politics in front of my dad (just to paint you a picture of his political stances, he’s a fan of Sarah Palin. ‘Nuf said.) And I REALLY don’t like talking about Jewish people in front of my Grandpa (He’s a great guy, just super antisemitic. On a scale of 1-Adolf Hitler, he’s a Mel Gibson, just with better dominant genetic traits. Thanks Grandpa!) Oh yeah, this was supposed to be a focused blog post from now on. Oops.
Native Americans (aka Indians, People Who Cry at Trash on the Interstate, etc) really kill the Thanksgiving vibe for me. They just seem super ungrateful about Thanksgiving as a whole, and I don’t know why. I mean, at least we didn’t give them LARGE Pox, right? This is, of course, a joke. I understand that our country has screwed them more times than Ron Jeremy has screwed vagina-kind in general. I, for one, love Native Americans. They’ve given us great things like male ponytails, the first hybrid house (aka, the Tipi, a tent/chimney) and numerous casinos. In turn, we gave them small pox, alcoholism and shitty reservations. Ummm.... our bad....
Black Friday (aka the day that you bought 10 copies of Taylor Swift’s new album, simply because they were half-off) is disgusting. It’s rampant consumerism at it’s worst. People have literally died from stampedes trying to get the greatest deals of the season (to be fair, getting The Complete Boxed set of Sex and the City on Blu-Ray for half-off is totally worth the murder.) Sure, I could talk about how much I hate Black Friday for a few more paragraphs, but I’ll spare you the time (FYI, it would have involved more murder. Sweet, sweet murder.) Honestly, there’s not much else to say about Black friday... except for the fact that my mom is able to buy me twice as many Christmas presents if she goes shopping then. Never mind: Black Friday fucking rocks.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
These Are A Few Of My Least Favorite Things.
Let’s get one thing straight: I think it is perfectly acceptable to hate the fuck out of anything you want to. It’s what makes us like less shitty things more. A friend of mine went on and on about disliking the word “hate", and I couldn’t agree less. People need to vent their frustration in a hateful (but contained) manner, otherwise, a seemingly nice person will just beat the shit out of their girlfriend (see Chris Brown.) If we don’t vent, if we don’t hate, then we don’t live. I, for instance, hate racist 12-year-olds on Xbox Live, people who say the word “like” as if it were a fucking article, and old people.
When I went on Xbox Live today to play some Halo, I was verbally raped (there I go, talking about rape again. Why is that?) Who knew that people who haven’t even hit puberty know more racist terms for black people than Eskimos have words for snow? I’ve learned that these children consider blacks, gays and females to be pretty much the same damn thing: interchangeable, if you will. I’d wonder how they had the competence to even connect their 360's to the internet, but I remembered that their Investment Banker dad’s most likely bought it for them, and subsequently hooked them up. I have comfort in knowing that they will be unsuccessful when they grow up, and will most likely become alcoholics. Am I a bad person for saying this? No. I’m a realist. All racist 12-year-olds become alcoholics. This is fact.
Are you into similes? Do you enjoy comparing two independent objects in an indirect manner? Do you know what the fuck a simile IS? I doubt it, because you, like, say like, like, way too fucking much. Stop it, like, NOW. This isn’t civilized language: this is Valley Girl linguistics, not PROPER FUCKING ENGLISH. If you are comparing similar (holy fuck, that’s where simile comes from?) things, then use the word. Otherwise... don’t expect to get accepted into Harvard during your verbal interview, because you’re, like, fucking annoying.
I plan on clinging on to life as long as I can, no matter how painful it is, no matter how depressed I get, no matter how much money I am costing my children (hopefully grandchildren or great grandchildren: I REALLY want to cling on.) It’s a great time to do it too. Modern medicine will allow us to eventually break the 100 year mark ON AVERAGE. This is why I hate old people; I want to be the only one. I want to say “fuck you, you young whipper snappers. I lived through World War IV and that time Lindsay Lohan became the first female(ish) President!” I don’t want other people taking this away from me. Besides, they smell like garlic and support the Snuggie industry. They are a drain on our economy and don’t understand that the internet is not a literal net (yes: I’ve had this conversation with my grandpa.) Don’t get me wrong: they are good people and shaped the world that we live in today, but I just don’t want them around. I say we create large buildings that smell like formaldehyde and hide all of the elderly people in them... far away from the rest of society, where they will live like they never even existed.
Wait. We already do that? Never mind.
When I went on Xbox Live today to play some Halo, I was verbally raped (there I go, talking about rape again. Why is that?) Who knew that people who haven’t even hit puberty know more racist terms for black people than Eskimos have words for snow? I’ve learned that these children consider blacks, gays and females to be pretty much the same damn thing: interchangeable, if you will. I’d wonder how they had the competence to even connect their 360's to the internet, but I remembered that their Investment Banker dad’s most likely bought it for them, and subsequently hooked them up. I have comfort in knowing that they will be unsuccessful when they grow up, and will most likely become alcoholics. Am I a bad person for saying this? No. I’m a realist. All racist 12-year-olds become alcoholics. This is fact.
Are you into similes? Do you enjoy comparing two independent objects in an indirect manner? Do you know what the fuck a simile IS? I doubt it, because you, like, say like, like, way too fucking much. Stop it, like, NOW. This isn’t civilized language: this is Valley Girl linguistics, not PROPER FUCKING ENGLISH. If you are comparing similar (holy fuck, that’s where simile comes from?) things, then use the word. Otherwise... don’t expect to get accepted into Harvard during your verbal interview, because you’re, like, fucking annoying.
I plan on clinging on to life as long as I can, no matter how painful it is, no matter how depressed I get, no matter how much money I am costing my children (hopefully grandchildren or great grandchildren: I REALLY want to cling on.) It’s a great time to do it too. Modern medicine will allow us to eventually break the 100 year mark ON AVERAGE. This is why I hate old people; I want to be the only one. I want to say “fuck you, you young whipper snappers. I lived through World War IV and that time Lindsay Lohan became the first female(ish) President!” I don’t want other people taking this away from me. Besides, they smell like garlic and support the Snuggie industry. They are a drain on our economy and don’t understand that the internet is not a literal net (yes: I’ve had this conversation with my grandpa.) Don’t get me wrong: they are good people and shaped the world that we live in today, but I just don’t want them around. I say we create large buildings that smell like formaldehyde and hide all of the elderly people in them... far away from the rest of society, where they will live like they never even existed.
Wait. We already do that? Never mind.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
These are a few of my favorite things.
Let’s get one thing straight: I fucking love the shit out of Pokemon, Goldfish and PIXAR.
Ever since my parents bought me a Gameboy Color with Pokemon Red for my 6th birthday, I was hooked. Everyone has their vices. Some shoot up heroine, some have gratuitous amounts of sex with hookers, and some do both (we call this a “Charlie Sheen.”) I could list out all 151 original pokemon, and I could do it with pride. Some people think Pokemon is gay. To that I say: you’re gay. This is the best comeback known to man. You cannot counter it. End of story.
Goldfish are like pretzels, but with cheese, a crackery texture, a hollow center and I believe it’s laced with opium. That is to say: they aren’t at all like pretzels. They make an average day fucking AMAZING. They hump your taste buds into oblivion, resurrect said taste buds, then re-rape them until they cry and promise that they won’t tell the police. They are the badass Jesus of snack-time treats. They are the Mother Teresa of peace and charity (yeah, they beat her at her OWN FUCKING GAME.) To wrap things up, if you like Cheese-its more: fuck you and you’re entire family.
When I grow up, I fully intend to be a writer at PIXAR. They have movies that make you cry, make you full of wonder and, oddly enough, make you wish that rats were more adept chefs. If I could have sex with Toy Story 3, I would. I would make sweet love to it until we had many spin-off babies of our own. Wall-E would be my ho on the side, while the Incredibles would be my one-night-stand. Eventually, I’d settle down with Finding Nemo, start a family and live a happy life. (Side note: I’d rape Cars... because it doesn’t deserve my full attention.)
Did anyone else notice I mentioned rape twice in one post? Weird.
Ever since my parents bought me a Gameboy Color with Pokemon Red for my 6th birthday, I was hooked. Everyone has their vices. Some shoot up heroine, some have gratuitous amounts of sex with hookers, and some do both (we call this a “Charlie Sheen.”) I could list out all 151 original pokemon, and I could do it with pride. Some people think Pokemon is gay. To that I say: you’re gay. This is the best comeback known to man. You cannot counter it. End of story.
Goldfish are like pretzels, but with cheese, a crackery texture, a hollow center and I believe it’s laced with opium. That is to say: they aren’t at all like pretzels. They make an average day fucking AMAZING. They hump your taste buds into oblivion, resurrect said taste buds, then re-rape them until they cry and promise that they won’t tell the police. They are the badass Jesus of snack-time treats. They are the Mother Teresa of peace and charity (yeah, they beat her at her OWN FUCKING GAME.) To wrap things up, if you like Cheese-its more: fuck you and you’re entire family.
When I grow up, I fully intend to be a writer at PIXAR. They have movies that make you cry, make you full of wonder and, oddly enough, make you wish that rats were more adept chefs. If I could have sex with Toy Story 3, I would. I would make sweet love to it until we had many spin-off babies of our own. Wall-E would be my ho on the side, while the Incredibles would be my one-night-stand. Eventually, I’d settle down with Finding Nemo, start a family and live a happy life. (Side note: I’d rape Cars... because it doesn’t deserve my full attention.)
Did anyone else notice I mentioned rape twice in one post? Weird.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
The Heterosexuality of Colin Stevens
Hi, I’m Colin Stevens, and let’s get one thing straight: I am not gay. That’s not to say I won’t ever become gay (there’s always college!) but as for now, I believe I’m a straight male. I say I believe I am, but I haven’t really done anything sexual with another person in my sort 18 years of life. Some people call it being asexual, others call it being a “late bloomer,” but I’d shy away from the later choice because I’m not a fucking flower, nor do I wear pants from the Golden Age of America. I am attracted to girls, yet I have disproportionately high standards... meaning: I like girls that are hotter than me. For now, I don’t have a girlfriend, nor do I plan on getting one soon. As a dear friend of mine once said: "Avoid opposite sex, acquire currency."
While I am not gay, I do like gay things. I often find myself genuinely liking Lady Gaga from time to time, this may be because I’m a fan of the Muppets, (I believe she is a muppet/Robot/Chapstick Lesbian hybrid) but I also think she actually knows her music pretty well. I’m also a fan of good organization, which we found out from the Nazis, is super gay. On the other hand, I am not a fan of butt sex, because that’s where poop comes from, and you simply can’t relieve yourself while in an exceedingly dirty place. If you don’t believe me, go to New Jersey.
I believe I could go on all day rambling on about how I’m not bisexual, or I’m not transexual, or I’m not a lesbian, but I don’t think I care enough to type it all down. All I have to say is one day, I will be a sexual force to be reckoned with. Until then, I will love everyone of every sexual preference equally... except for Butch Lesbians. They can suck my balls. (It’s funny, because they would theoretically NOT want to suck my balls.)
While I am not gay, I do like gay things. I often find myself genuinely liking Lady Gaga from time to time, this may be because I’m a fan of the Muppets, (I believe she is a muppet/Robot/Chapstick Lesbian hybrid) but I also think she actually knows her music pretty well. I’m also a fan of good organization, which we found out from the Nazis, is super gay. On the other hand, I am not a fan of butt sex, because that’s where poop comes from, and you simply can’t relieve yourself while in an exceedingly dirty place. If you don’t believe me, go to New Jersey.
I believe I could go on all day rambling on about how I’m not bisexual, or I’m not transexual, or I’m not a lesbian, but I don’t think I care enough to type it all down. All I have to say is one day, I will be a sexual force to be reckoned with. Until then, I will love everyone of every sexual preference equally... except for Butch Lesbians. They can suck my balls. (It’s funny, because they would theoretically NOT want to suck my balls.)
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