The Heterosexuality of Colin Stevens

Hi, I’m Colin Stevens, and let’s get one thing straight: I am not gay. That’s not to say I won’t ever become gay (there’s always college!) but as for now, I believe I’m a straight male. I say I believe I am, but I haven’t really done anything sexual with another person in my sort 18 years of life. Some people call it being asexual, others call it being a “late bloomer,” but I’d shy away from the later choice because I’m not a fucking flower, nor do I wear pants from the Golden Age of America. I am attracted to girls, yet I have disproportionately high standards... meaning: I like girls that are hotter than me. For now, I don’t have a girlfriend, nor do I plan on getting one soon. As a dear friend of mine once said: "Avoid opposite sex, acquire currency."


While I am not gay, I do like gay things. I often find myself genuinely liking Lady Gaga from time to time, this may be because I’m a fan of the Muppets, (I believe she is a muppet/Robot/Chapstick Lesbian hybrid) but I also think she actually knows her music pretty well. I’m also a fan of good organization, which we found out from the Nazis, is super gay. On the other hand, I am not a fan of butt sex, because that’s where poop comes from, and you simply can’t relieve yourself while in an exceedingly dirty place. If you don’t believe me, go to New Jersey.


I believe I could go on all day rambling on about how I’m not bisexual, or I’m not transexual, or I’m not a lesbian, but I don’t think I care enough to type it all down. All I have to say is one day, I will be a sexual force to be reckoned with. Until then, I will love everyone of every sexual preference equally... except for Butch Lesbians. They can suck my balls. (It’s funny, because they would theoretically NOT want to suck my balls.)