These are a few of my favorite things.

Let’s get one thing straight: I fucking love the shit out of Pokemon, Goldfish and PIXAR.

Ever since my parents bought me a Gameboy Color with Pokemon Red for my 6th birthday, I was hooked. Everyone has their vices. Some shoot up heroine, some have gratuitous amounts of sex with hookers, and some do both (we call this a “Charlie Sheen.”) I could list out all 151 original pokemon, and I could do it with pride. Some people think Pokemon is gay. To that I say: you’re gay. This is the best comeback known to man. You cannot counter it. End of story.

Goldfish are like pretzels, but with cheese, a crackery texture, a hollow center and I believe it’s laced with opium. That is to say: they aren’t at all like pretzels. They make an average day fucking AMAZING. They hump your taste buds into oblivion, resurrect said taste buds, then re-rape them until they cry and promise that they won’t tell the police. They are the badass Jesus of snack-time treats. They are the Mother Teresa of peace and charity (yeah, they beat her at her OWN FUCKING GAME.) To wrap things up, if you like Cheese-its more: fuck you and you’re entire family.

When I grow up, I fully intend to be a writer at PIXAR. They have movies that make you cry, make you full of wonder and, oddly enough, make you wish that rats were more adept chefs. If I could have sex with Toy Story 3, I would. I would make sweet love to it until we had many spin-off babies of our own. Wall-E would be my ho on the side, while the Incredibles would be my one-night-stand. Eventually, I’d settle down with Finding Nemo, start a family and live a happy life. (Side note: I’d rape Cars... because it doesn’t deserve my full attention.)

Did anyone else notice I mentioned rape twice in one post? Weird.